minister one

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As part of my continuing effort to provide you with entertainment, and also as a way of raising the tone of this scandal-sheet you’re reading, I’ve gone and got myself ordained as a minister.

It’s not a joke, or at least that’s what they claim at the Universal Ministries of Milford, Illinois, where a nice man called Douglas E. Hickman now addresses me as Reverend MacDonald. I’m also a minister of the Universal Life Church of Modesto, California, which might seem like overkill, but I’m sure it’ll be handy when I’m travelling.

Now I’ll be perfectly honest (as I’m pretty much obliged to be from now on) and admit that this life-changing CV-enhancement didn’t come about through years of patient study of theology, earnest poring over the Scriptures, prayer and divine guidance. Nor was there any kind of Road to Damascus experience.

But Reverend Hickman, my boss, assures me none of this matters. My Church has a fairly relaxed view of higher education in general, and Higher Education in particular: “No School or University that offers studies of religious philosophy can really claim to be more correct than any other School of religion since they are established by man, and not the God you or I seek,” the doctrine says. I’ve been found worthy of ordination because of my life experiences, which is uncommonly generous of the Church, as any of my readers will tell you. Verily I say unto you, if there’s room in the flock for a TV critic and professional smart-arse, imagine how they must welcome with open arms anyone who’s actually done something with his life.

So far, my new pastoral role hasn’t amounted to much. People around here don’t seem to be terribly troubled or heavy-laden, spiritually-speaking, so there’s been little call for my intercession. I haven’t been in the job for a Sunday yet, as I write this, but I have cancelled all my appointments for that day just in case I suddenly have to step in when one of my brothers (or sisters — we’re very progressive) gets laryngitis or a bad case of Archbishop’s knee (like housemaid’s knee, but a far better class of pain).

Because make no mistake, the Church has empowered me with all the usual powers ministers have. I can marry you, baptise you or your babies, and even bury you, which ought to make some people think twice. Sadly, the drawback is I also need to have the go-ahead from those pesky civilian authorities. As my beginner’s information pack states: “Though you may at this moment feel the presence of the Holy Ghost in Heaven, please look into the laws governing the functions of Ministers within your State, or Province.”

It’s a curiously satisfying feeling, being a man of the cloth. And the inner tranquility that comes from being at peace with your soul is contagious: you should have seen the smiles of the people here at the office when I informed them they would have to address me as Reverend MacDonald from now on, and kiss my ring. They positively rolled on the floor with transcendent joy when I pointed out to our esteemed editor that her authority over me was henceforth merely temporal, whereas I was now the boss of her eternal life-force.

It’s all covered in the doctrine, I think. It’s a bit hard to be dogmatic, mind you, since the Universal Ministries aren’t exactly the most hard-line Bible-thumpers. We hardly bother with the Bible at all, the Rev. Hickman explained, unless we want to. Nor does it have to be a Christian bible. ” Through the expansion of our current and future membership we will share the beliefs of many forms of enlightenment. We invite not just Christians, but the Jewish, Wiccans, Pagans, Bahai, and all others to join us in our individual search for enlightenment,” the statement of beliefs says. You can’t get much more all-embracing than that.

I’m off now to browse through the catalogue of ecclesiastical outfits I’ve found on the Internet. In my next report to you, I’ll let you know how I got on when I went to the local commune to set myself up as a practising preacher and find out which church they want me to take over. Go in peace, and sin no more, okay?