celebrity

As a well-known media figure and family man, I am often approached by worried parents who ask me: “How can I tell if my child is a world-famous celebrity?”

The question arises more and more these days, after Naomi Campbell, the supermodel, took Mirror Group newspapers to court to protect her privacy. Similar action has been taken by Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, and they will not be the last. Top stars these days, it seems, don’t want anyone to know.

It didn’t used to be this way: in the past celebrities were open about their fame, and were happy to appear in magazines and on billboards, and invite the public prints into their lovely homes. Now, though, the very cream of the celebrity world are more concerned about their privacy. The result is you may not even be aware someone is a celebrity at all.

It’s hard for parents. In this age of fractured family relationships, parents often don’t know what their children are getting up to. In my day things were simpler. You’d leave school on the Friday, and first thing on Monday morning you’d be walking with your Dad, sandwiches in hand, to start work at the film studio or TV production company where he worked, and where his father before him had worked. Celebrity ran in families: the trade-papers were full of the story when Kirk Douglas took little Michael to his first job on the lot, and when Richard Dimbleby brought young David and Jonathan into work, their overalls all starched and clean, ready for their first shift at the journalistic word-face.

Nowadays it’s all different. And parents are worried their children could be celebrities without their knowledge. So what signs should parents look for? The first thing to point out is that celebrity isn’t in itself something to worry about. Of course, we’ve all heard the stories of hidden offspring emerging from the shadows of the past, bodies found floating in swimming pools, attacks by crazed psychotic fans and illicit love-affairs with the adopted daughters of life-partners. But many celebrities, like Tilda Swinton, Reece Witherspoon and Rene Auberjonois, manage to lead almost normal lives.

The main signs your child may be becoming a celebrity include:

Taking longer than usual to get ready in the morning. Most adolescents become fixated on personal appearance, but this could also be a sign of activity by a hairdresser and makeup artist, and is especially suspicious where boys are concerned. Does your child blow up because you bought shampoo on special at the supermarket? It could be a sign they’re under contract to represent another brand.

Is your child surly and uncooperative? This could be normal teenage rebellion. On the other hand it could be that those little jobs you’re asking them to do are not included in writing in their contract, and they’re holding out for a renegotiation, or more money, or both.

Do strange boys wander out of your daughter’s room in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning? Normally, this is nothing to worry about. But if the boys in question include one or several of the following — Robert De Niro, Daniel Day-Lewis, Liam Neeson or the Gallagher brothers — there could be cause for concern.

Other warning signs to look for: correspondence from expensive plastic surgeons; Max Clifford hanging about the house at all hours; invoices from The Priory celebrity detox clinic; Loyd Grossman wandering about describing the furniture and fittings to a TV camera.

If you have noted any of these warning signs in your teenage child’s behaviour, you need to take action before things get any worse. You may think it’s a phase, part of growing up, but today’s blockbuster movie role or Calvin Klein advertising campaign with photos by Mario Testino could turn rapidly, tomorrow, to appearances on afternoon gameshows like Call my Bluff, or winter seasons in panto with Sir Frank “Gentleman Frank” Bruno.

You need to sit down and talk to your child to nip this dangerous condition in the bud. Have your people call her people and fix up a meeting, before it’s too late.